Wednesday, October 24, 2012

On Being Afraid, and Sad Birthdays


 I've been feeling generally crappy, tired and achy, far out of anything that passes for a routine.  A couple of days ago looked from what I was reading because my head felt a little weird and I was seeing double.  It's happened twice now with a spread of two years between.  Each time my eyes refocused, but not right away.  The interval, though probably less than a minute, seemed an eternity.

I'm starting the series of tests that will likely reveal nothing, as they did before.  I hope in some ways that's not the case.  I need to know what's causing this.  My greatest fear as I age is to lose my mental ability and thereby lose my self.  I know dying is inevitable.  I know at seventy that the day will come sooner than later.  What I dread most is living in an aging body with a damaged mind.

(I wrote the stuff above about a week ago.  Tests are still in progress, all negative thus far.  I'm feeling better but not great.)

Today is October 24th, my older son Jason's forty-sixth birthday.  He is geographically closest of my children (two sons, two stepdaughters) by far, being about forty minutes away, but I have seen him only once in a dozen years and that was at his brother's in Louisiana.  I am pretty sure I've mentioned him before in these musings.  As each year passes, as we both age, I wonder if I will ever be able to get reacquainted with him, whether he will, with age, somehow want to get to know me as I want to know him.  Every year his birthday makes me sad because I know that's one less year, one less chance, that we will meet as friends, father and son, or just sit for a while and talk as strangers who could become friends.

I've learned that it does me no good to catalogue and dwell on all the ways I didn't know how to be his father, but it's still hard not to look for that one instance in our sparse relationship that shut the door.  I wish I knew what it was.

1 comment:

  1. it doesn't matter when or what "shut" the door what matters is opening it back up. Call your son if he hangs up write him. If he doesn't respond show up on his doorstep and don't leave until he opens the door. What has been done cannot be undone but it is possible to forge a new relationship, on his terms if that's what it takes.

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